Today begins a journey that I’ve been longing for for years. I’m finally (I think?) in a place where I can have a survival job that I do on my own time, freeing up the rest of my time for auditions. I’ve been out of the scene for the most part for about ten years now, and if it’s going to happen the time is fucking now. No excuses. Now.
I have new headshots, fancy looking updated resumes, and my trusted book of songs. Though I’m likely older than most of the people out there doing this, I don’t necessarily feel as such, and I am ready to pound the pavement and make my dreams come true.
There’s been a lot of wondering where I’d be if I’d done this ten years ago; made sacrifices wherever necessary in order to make the time to get out there. Would I be making my living as an actor? Would I have toured to fun places? Would I still be in the same position I am today? I try to tell myself not to worry about what could have been, because the truth is, everything that has happened has led me to where I am today, and I’m happy about it. I am here. I am doing this, and come hell or high water I’m going to give it my all.
Today I went to an audition for a Cruise Line. I’ve always wanted to book one of these, because (and I’m sure it’s a much different situation once you’re onboard) it just seems like it would be a really fun gig. Cruise around the world, sing and dance every night, etc. In reality I’m sure it’s stressful and there isn’t all that much leisure time, but still, stress on a cruise ship seems like it would be more fun than stress at a survival job I don’t entirely like. In any case, I went, which is truly the hardest part after so much time away, because I was afraid. Afraid that I didn’t know how things worked anymore, afraid that I wasn’t good enough (which I’m sure everyone feels, but frankly in this case I know that I’m actually way better than I was before), and afraid that I’d fuck up because I was so out of practice. But I went.
I arrived to the holding room somewhat early (I learned long ago that if an audition starts at 10am you need to be there by at least 8, depending on the size of the project), and signed in. Number 38! Not too bad—I’ve definitely been like, 163 or higher before. The breakdown was to sing 16 bars of pop/rock or contemporary musical theater, and I spent the next little while going through my book, trying to decide what to sing. At this point the proctor came in the room and said that due to time restrictions, and because they wanted to have a chance to see everyone, everyone was only going to sing 8 bars. Great. I mean, this has happened before, and I’m sure everyone in the room was prepared for it and had an appropriate cut, but it was still annoying.
In any case, my time in the audition room came, and I did well. I wasn’t particularly nervous, presumably because I kept telling myself that this was a practice audition, to get back out there and remember what it felt like. I was personable in the six seconds I actually spoke to the panel, and then I sang. It was not perfect, but it was good. It was pretty good, actually. They had mentioned that they’d be telling people on the spot if they wanted them to stay for the dance call, and they didn’t ask this of me so I knew I wasn’t going any further, but still, I left the room feeling good. I had done it, hadn’t fucked it up, and in fact did a good job.
I went back to the holding room, gathered my things, and headed home. As I was walking to the subway I kept thinking “I’m back.” I didn’t get cast, I didn’t get a callback, but I’m back, and it feels good.